Parentification
https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2017/10/when-kids-have-to-parent-their-siblings-it-affects-them-for-life/543975/
'Because of this, she says she often distrusts that other people will take care of things. “That’s why I tend to step up and do it myself.”' I do this more than I think I should.
I never realized this before. I didn't even know there was a name for it or that it was an actual thing. I had always made excuses that it was just the way I was or I'm doing this because my parent never did this with me. (No offense Mom, I love you) I often found myself telling my significant other that I was not going to miss my children's games because my parents were never able to make it to mine. I've always tried to make sure to go to every game, and if I missed one it was either because I was at another game or work. One thing that I did try to make sure of was that if I wasn't able to be there that someone was there for my child, whether it was their father (who in later years rarely showed up at all, and now has pushed himself so far out of my children's lives that they don't even bother mentioning him any more. This is only due to his own neglect of my children.) or their grandparents.
I always encourage my children and try more than anything to be there for them. I can see this coming out possibly because I never was given that attention. I'm not complaining because I believe that it made me a better parent and I am quite understanding to the fact that my mother was a single working devoted mom trying to make the home function. She needed to work, which sucked but it also gave me a wonderful work ethic. The things in life that are important to me in order are Home and family, work, and then play. I wish sometimes I would have more play but I fear home and family takes nearly everything out of me.
Another thing that I fear I picked up due to this is when I was a teenage I found myself taking care of my father. It wasn't that I had to, but he had no woman in the house and I naturally took up the role of cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping as a teenager on the weekends. I stand back and look at what had become of his home after I grew up and left to begin my own family and I'm dumbfounded. He was a true hoarder and without me being there every weekend it didn't turn out very well to say the least. When he needed me the most I took him home and took care of him once again because he was my father (and I loved him dearly.)
Constantly I am doing nearly every chore in my home because it HAS to be done. I get yelled at all the time by my significant other telling me to make my kids do chores, to help out, and if I ask they do it without question. I find myself feeling like if I don't do it nothing will ever get done and I am constantly working. Rarely do I get to relax, but when I do- I write. I love writing and this is my release from everything that builds up in my head as I work through everything in my life.
So I sit and think back to my childhood and see how it defined me as a person. I think that this 'parentification', I did not have a rough childhood like the children in the article. Yes, I did have to grow up and take care of my father and I see the mess that was left because I didn't stay to take care of him.
One thing I have learned is that our childhood defines us for the future. Whether we learn from it, grow from it, or just do the same things that our parents have done. It is not only how we were raised that defines our futures, but how we choose to use that part of us. I chose to make a great life for those that I live with. I chose those I love before anything else. I love taking care of my family and being there for all of them.
So here is your question for today: How did your childhood define you as an adult?
'Because of this, she says she often distrusts that other people will take care of things. “That’s why I tend to step up and do it myself.”' I do this more than I think I should.
I never realized this before. I didn't even know there was a name for it or that it was an actual thing. I had always made excuses that it was just the way I was or I'm doing this because my parent never did this with me. (No offense Mom, I love you) I often found myself telling my significant other that I was not going to miss my children's games because my parents were never able to make it to mine. I've always tried to make sure to go to every game, and if I missed one it was either because I was at another game or work. One thing that I did try to make sure of was that if I wasn't able to be there that someone was there for my child, whether it was their father (who in later years rarely showed up at all, and now has pushed himself so far out of my children's lives that they don't even bother mentioning him any more. This is only due to his own neglect of my children.) or their grandparents.
I always encourage my children and try more than anything to be there for them. I can see this coming out possibly because I never was given that attention. I'm not complaining because I believe that it made me a better parent and I am quite understanding to the fact that my mother was a single working devoted mom trying to make the home function. She needed to work, which sucked but it also gave me a wonderful work ethic. The things in life that are important to me in order are Home and family, work, and then play. I wish sometimes I would have more play but I fear home and family takes nearly everything out of me.
Another thing that I fear I picked up due to this is when I was a teenage I found myself taking care of my father. It wasn't that I had to, but he had no woman in the house and I naturally took up the role of cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping as a teenager on the weekends. I stand back and look at what had become of his home after I grew up and left to begin my own family and I'm dumbfounded. He was a true hoarder and without me being there every weekend it didn't turn out very well to say the least. When he needed me the most I took him home and took care of him once again because he was my father (and I loved him dearly.)
Constantly I am doing nearly every chore in my home because it HAS to be done. I get yelled at all the time by my significant other telling me to make my kids do chores, to help out, and if I ask they do it without question. I find myself feeling like if I don't do it nothing will ever get done and I am constantly working. Rarely do I get to relax, but when I do- I write. I love writing and this is my release from everything that builds up in my head as I work through everything in my life.
So I sit and think back to my childhood and see how it defined me as a person. I think that this 'parentification', I did not have a rough childhood like the children in the article. Yes, I did have to grow up and take care of my father and I see the mess that was left because I didn't stay to take care of him.
One thing I have learned is that our childhood defines us for the future. Whether we learn from it, grow from it, or just do the same things that our parents have done. It is not only how we were raised that defines our futures, but how we choose to use that part of us. I chose to make a great life for those that I live with. I chose those I love before anything else. I love taking care of my family and being there for all of them.
So here is your question for today: How did your childhood define you as an adult?
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